New job, new beginnings

I was only unemployed for about six weeks, but I completely forgot how much working takes out of you....both in time and energy. I am enjoying the new job though - the people have been very welcoming and the company itself is great. Sometimes I do get a little bored. It's hard to not feel like the work I'm doing is below my education level - I mean I didn't have to go to college to know how to answer the phone and walk to rite-aid to buy half & half for the break room. It can be frustrating, but I keep trying to tell myself that this all part of the process of learning about the company and moving my way up in its ranks.

I've learned that quite a few of the people that were once in my position have moved on to be project associates or into HR. I think I would like either - I really like the people in HR and the idea of helping to facilitate an enjoyable work environment. I also like the project associate position, because it's working hands on with their programs - so it could be anything from rebate programs, to lighting, to residential buildings. I just have to be patient and work hard and try to learn as much as I can.

Besides work things have been going well - Chris and I have been doing pretty great. There are still a few bumps in the road every now and then, but overall I can't complain. We make a good team. We spent Thanksgiving with his family at their cabin in Washington. It was really nice. His family is extremely welcoming to me and I enjoy spending time with them. There was even some joking about me being their FDL - future daughter in law. I can't say it doesn't sound nice. Despite my best efforts, marriage is a thought that has been entering my mind a lot lately. I don't really know why, but it keeps coming up. I think it's because I'm not entirely sure if Chris wants to marry me. I mean, we're happy together and everything is great, but I just feel anxiety about the long term and where he stands on that. For the time being, I'm trying to just push it out of mind and enjoy the way things are - we both have good jobs, a nice place to live and plenty of opportunities. It's time to just smell the roses for a while.

Weekend in CV

Chris took Friday off, so we spent most of the weekend in Corvallis cleaning out his old room. His parents are moving out of their home in Corvallis and retiring to their Cabin on the Kitsap Peninsula. His childhood bedroom has basically functioned as a storage unit since he left home to go to OSU, so it was (and still kind of is) just packed with stuff. It's kind of amazing how many things he has accumulated over the years.

It's interesting too spending so much time with his parents, especially his mom, Sallie. Sometimes I feel like I'm already their daughter-in-law, even though Chris and I have only discussed marriage in the vaguest of terms. I've been included in their holiday email string, the Christmas gift exchange and the Thanksgiving dinner plans. It's just kind of weird, I'm not really used to it. I think it makes me miss my own family too, we used to be like that, getting together for all of the holidays. Now that everyone is in a different place it's hard to organize visits. I can't go to just one city and see everyone, I have to schedule three different visits, and they are all so far away I can only see them for a couple days each if I'm lucky. I do wish they were a little closer sometimes.

A Downer and then an Upper

So yesterday was my second interview at Ecos. It was with Barbara, the newly hired Executive Assistant to the COO who will be my supervisor, and Daniel (I think that was his name, it may have been David). It was a difficult interview - the questions were pretty challenging, mostly because many of them were situational and rather vague. I left the interview feeling pretty down about my performance, I didn't feel I was being very articulate and was afraid I had just screwed myself out of a job.

However, this morning brought some fantastic news. Kia called and offered me the position. I was and am so incredibly excited! My first day is next Wednesday. They offered me $13.50 an hour with a comprehensive benefits package (that I don't have to pay into!). I will be getting full medical, dental, vision, life and disability insurance after 30 days. Plus a 401K after 90 days and they have an incentive program. It's perfect.

I really thought this was not going to happen, but it is and I am so incredibly happy! This is a whole new chapter in my life. I feel like things are finally starting to come together. I'm finally with the person I love, in a city I feel at home in, starting job at a growing company doing something meaningful in the world. Life is good :)

Good Day

Maybe it is all starting to come together!

I just got a call from Ecos and they want me to come in tomorrow afternoon for the second interview. They sent me an employment application to fill out and I will be meeting with their HR committee. It's quite exciting, but I'm trying to remain level headed. Again I don't want to get all excited and then find out I didn't get the job.

Still, my hands were shaking and I couldn't stop smiling when they called :)

In other news, I'm going to spend Thanksgiving with Chris and his family. Last year I spent Christmas with them and it was really nice. Even though I missed my family and it was weird not to spend the holidays with them, being with Chris and his family made things easier. They were some welcoming and kind. Chris' mom, Sallie, just sent out an email about the holidays this year. I really enjoy being considered a part of their family, especially because mine is so far away. I feel very blessed.

First Interview

I had my interview with Ecos on Friday and I think it went really well. I really clicked with the two people interviewing me, Kia and Arden. They seemed quite impressed with my resume and excited about my qualifications. The job seems very interesting - it includes some receptionist duties as well as some other project based assignments in support of their operations team. Kia, who had the position before, said that it's always busy and you never have a chance to be bored. I find that reassuring because that was one my complaints at SOS - I would find myself with nothing to do and extremely bored.

They will be having a second interview with their HR committee this week. I will find out today or tomorrow if they want me to come in for that. Arden said that they were hoping to have one or two candidates for the second interview - they interviewed four, including myself, initially.

I'm trying not to get too excited, but I felt the interview went so well, it's hard not to. I will be disappointed if I don't get the second interview. I wish I could just know, so if I didn't I can move on.

Finally!

Yesterday was a busy day. I went with Sophie and Arthur to the Nonprofit & Social Services Career Fair at PSU. It was kind of a misnomer because most of the organizations there were looking for volunteers rather than employees, which was somewhat disappointing. However, Sophie and I did find some organizations were interested in volunteering for - like Meals on Wheels. I think we are going to try and do a route together.

It was such a beautiful day out that we decided to stay a little longer downtown and went out to lunch at this delicious Thai place right by the PSU campus. Then we went for a walk down by the river and Willamette Park. It was beautiful out and so wonderful to be in the sunshine, watching the wind blow over the water.

The best part was when we got back home, Sophie and Arthur left and I noticed I had a missed call and voicemail on my phone. I checked it and it was a women named Kia calling from Ecos Consulting asking me about my availability for an interview! I was so excited! I immediately called her back and scheduled an interview for Friday at 12:30pm. It's an excellent opportunity. Ecos is a sustainability consulting firm, so they help businesses become more environmentally friendly, improving things like their energy efficiency and helping them find ways to reduce their carbon emissions. They also have a marketing department that helps their clients tell the story of their sustainability efforts to their customers, also in an environmentally conscious way. The position is for a Receptionist/Administrative Assistant and would definitely have opportunity for advancement. The benefits are excellent and their office is located downtown which would make public transportation incredibly easy to access.

I'm spending the day preparing for the interview and trying to keep myself from being too excited. An interview is great, but it isn't a job offer, so there is still work to be done to make sure I can secure that offer and begin working.

Wrong Number?

I'm trying to be a little more optimistic about things; it's hard but I need to change my thinking. I can't spend everyday feeling sorry for myself.

I'm still feeling pessimistic about the job stuff though - I'm just trying to stop it from consuming my every other thought. I'm working to be productive every day in my job hunt. I applied for three more positions yesterday - one at Reed College (the second I've applied for there), one at PSU and one at this social service organization called Danville Services of Oregon. I've now applied for 17 jobs with organizations all over Portland - PCC, PSU, LC, Reed, OSUF, Ecos, Multonomah County, Portland Metro, as well as various Craigslist postings. So far the only ones I have heard back from were involved in some sort of scam or were writing to tell me I had not been selected for an interview.

I keep applying for everything that looks interesting, but it's hard with results like these, to not feel like its a futile effort, that I'm just sending things into the ether never to be heard from again. I even, in a moment of panic, double checked the contact information on my resume and all the cover letters I have sent out, thinking that maybe I put the wrong number or email address. But they were all correct....nothing was wrong with them, except that no one is using them.

Pride before the fall

The last couple days have been really hard. I don't know if it's just the rainy weather, but I've been feeling extremely depressed. I've been searching for jobs daily this week but have found it difficult to motivate myself to actually work on the applications. It feels pointless. I've submitted a number of applications already and have only really heard back from one, and they pretty much said "thanks but no thanks".

I have this voice in my head that just keeps saying "what's the point? No one's going to even call you anyway." What's scary is that I'm starting to believe that voice; I'm starting to think it's right...no one is going to call me or email me or hire me. I'm just going to be that worthless idiot that foolishly quit her job and moved to a completely different city for a boy. I'm such a moron.

Everyday I wait for a phone call or an email from someone willing to give me a chance. But it never comes. I feel so alone. I feel like a failure and a disappointment. Mostly though I feel like a fool...a food for thinking there was something special about me. That I would be able to overcome the challenges and find a good job that I enjoyed. It was all a big fat lie I told my self, inflating my ego and arrogance. I thought I could do it....but clearly I can't.

On the Hunt

I applied for two more jobs yesterday - both at Portland Community College campuses. One is south of us and one is closer to where Chris works.

The postings have definitely been slowing down. It's been more difficult in the last few days to find opportunities worth applying for. There are quite a few part time positions, but I really need something with benefits. Right now I don't have any kind of insurance and I definitely don't want to continue that practice.

I just keep crossing my fingers that something will come through. I don't really know what else to do. I apply for jobs when I find them and I wait for some to contact me. I think that is the hardest the part - the waiting. It's especially bad because most employers are switching to these anonymous online submissions systems. Basically, you fill out some generic online forms with all your information, attach a cover letter, resume and whatever else they ask for and press submit. There's no one to contact to follow up and many times they explicitly tell you not to contact them. It's so isolating and makes you feel so vulnerable because you have no hand in the process after that point. You just have to hunker down and wait and pray that the person on the other end of all those wires and computer screens notices you and sees you for the potential human employee and fellow contributor you are.

I'm just not very good at being patient, especially when the numbers in my bank account are slowly dwindling.

The Sublime

Yesterday Chris and I drove to the coast to watch the arrival of the big storm that is drenching most of the Pacific Northwest. We drove to Seaside and then up the coast to Astoria before coming back home to Portland.

We stopped at this state park just north of Seaside. There was a look out platform erected by a breakwater at one of the viewing areas. As soon as we got out of the truck the wind was whipping our clothes and hair flat against our bodies. We couldn't see the ocean from the parking lot, but we could see huge clouds of spray flying up above the breakwater rocks and hear the crash of the waves as they exploded upward. We climbed the wooden tower to a flat platform and from there we could see the full scale of the roiling ocean before us. The rain had stopped for the moment and the sun was making one of its rare appearances that day. Everything was gold and silver. The ocean seemed to go on forever, an overwhelming, angry mass in constant motion, massive waves breaking one over the other before meeting their end on the jagged black rocks, their spray hitting our faces and making our clothes damp and salty.

It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. When I was in college I studied the romantics - they wrote, especially Percy Shelley, about this concept of the sublime. Essentially the sublime was an aspect of nature that was so incredibly overwhelming that it stunned the senses, literally left humans feeling powerless in its presence, immobilized by the sheer awesomeness of the natural world...a cliff, a mountain, caves or forests, anything that left you feeling so incredibly small in the face of something so massively powerful and encompassing.

Yesterday, I saw the sublime in that ocean. I had always understood the concept in the abstract sense, but standing on that lookout yesterday staring into the golden, frothing depths of the Pacific Ocean, I felt the sublime. I felt it as we descended the platform listening to the ocean's roar, making our way across the sandy parking lot and back to the safety and warmth of our car. It stayed with me all the way home and still sits in my chest, gently rolling in and out of my consciousness.

I could have stood on that platform forever. I'm still there in my mind, watching the waves come in, whitecaps crashing, sun shining in the ocean's mist and on the broken rocks, everything golden and sparkling, the sheer power of the water and the earth forever burned in my memory.

Foolish

So far the only responses I've received to any of my job applications have included two scams and one thanks but no thanks.

I keep telling myself to be patient - maybe next week I'll hear something; just keep looking and something will happen.

I just feel pointless. I want to cry, but I can't. I feel the tears burning but they don't come. I'm angry, but I have nothing and no one to yell at, except myself. I'm terrified that I've made the wrong decision, that it was a mistake to quit my job and move here. I'm afraid that I won't find a job, that there won't be any relief, that I'm being punished for having made a stupid and foolish decision.

I'm just gonna go ahead and whine some more

Well, I'm still jobless. No prospects so far. I've applied for a total of twelve jobs in the last two weeks. Some of them having closing deadlines happening this week, so hopefully I will begin hearing from some people during the next couple weeks. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.

It's frustrating because I've heard nothing. It's scary. What if weeks go by and I still hear nothing?

It's hard for me to sleep at night. I go to bed with Chris lying next to me and I just can't sleep. My eyes keeping opening and I find myself staring at the window, watching the light filter through the blinds from the parking lot outside. I'm thinking about everything and nothing - my dwindling bank account, the decision I made to leave my job and my life in Seattle to come to Portland and change everything, whether or not I'll get hired, if this whole thing is just a big sick joke.

I'm scared mostly I think. I try and act confident, sure I will find something, but inside I'm terrified. What if I'm not good enough and I don't stand out and no one wants me? I feel so vulnerable, like I can try all I want, submit tens, hundreds of applications, but ultimately it's out of my hands. Someone else has to pick me, someone else has to say that I'm the one.

I just want a job. I just want to be productive and do something, be something. I don't want to sit around wondering what's going to happen to me. I really, really hate this.

Jobless in Portland

I hate not having a job.

It is the most worthless, unproductive, anxiety-inducing feeling in the world. I've only been unemployed for two weeks and I already feel depressed and anxious all the time. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning - it feels pointless. All I do is fill out job applications and watch bad daytime TV. I try and go outside, find things to do that don't require me to spend money. I've been reading a lot - books and the news. The articles about the economy are the worst...they just remind me what I'm up against. I can't even imagine the mindset of those that have been unemployed long term - it must be a feeling of just utter despair. No wonder people give up and stop looking. I don't blame them.

I try and keep everything in perspective, but I can't help the whispers of doubt that begin to creep into my consciousness when I'm all alone - what if this doesn't end? what if you don't get the job or even an interview? what then? what about your bank balance, rent, and food? what if? what if? what if?

Idleness really is dangerous.

Portland or Bust

Well, things have definitely changed quite a bit since my last post. I'm now officially a Portland, OR resident, shacked up with my boyfriend in a new apartment in the SW, and among the ranks of the unemployed.

It's been an interesting ride to this point, starting with the ride down to Portland. Two Sundays ago, Chris and I loaded the rest of our earthly possessions into the West Coast Sailing trailer and headed over to Seattle Yacht Club to meet up with Chris' boss, George. SYC had hosted the US National Team Race Championships that weekend and George was reselling six of the V15's purchased brand new specifically for the event. In return for letting us use the trailer, we were helping George load all the boats and transport them down to Portland. It took about five hours to load everything up - George was towing a four boat trailer with an added laser on the side, plus a boat on top of his truck, Chris had the last boat on top of his truck and was towing the trailer with all our furniture, while my car was packed with my stuff and cartopping six booms and some laser spars. We were quite the caravan leaving Seattle at about 10:30pm. We stopped for an hour long snooze somewhere south of Olympia, and ended up pulling into Portland and the West Coast Sailing warehouse at about 3:30am. Chris and I finally hit the sheets at 4am on Monday morning...and thus began my first day in Portland!

The adventures have only continued as we've moved our stuff into the apartment, unpacked and generally adjusted to this new life. I spent most of last week organizing the apartment and looking for employment. We spent our first weekend together not in Portland, but in Eugene, acting as Race Committee for NWCISA's team race champs (Congrats to UW for qualifying - and a shout out to all the other teams for some great racing!).

My second week in Portland has been a little more interesting. I spent Tuesday at the DMV getting my car registered and my new Oregon driver's license - a little more than $200 later, I'm officially an Oregonian again. Then yesterday Chris had the day off, so Sophie, Russ, Chris and I took the Pearson out on a little sail up the Columbia...unfortunately our sail included running aground and having to be rescued by Columbia River Marine Assistance. Another $200 later and we were ungrounded and heading back to the marine, ending our evening with some delicious dinner and much needed alcoholic beverages at The Sextant.

And now for another day of job searching, applications and cover letters. I've submitted a few applications already at a variety of jobs, mostly with local government offices. They are all really impressive opportunities and I hope they pan out. It's hard to say right now though, because most of them say not to expect any word for a couple weeks at least and many of them don't have closing dates until next week. In the meantime, I'll keep searching, applying, and crossing my fingers.

And for your viewing pleasure...here is my new city :)

Where's the exit?

I am literally drowning in work and stress. Completely overwhelmed. I've been training my replacement for the last week, meanwhile I'm still fulfilling my regular duties with little to no access to a working computer. Today, the second new girl started. So I was training two new people, plus managing a short handed office, again with limited access to a usable computer. Needless to say, some things were overlooked and now my efforts to balance it all are beginning to seem futile. I feel like I'm trying to hold back a massive dam that is slowly crumbling around me, the bandaids I'm using to patch the holes are not working and pretty soon the whole thing is just going to come tumbling down.

I just want out.


A little while later....

I know things have gotten bad at work because I've started to listen to all the music I listened to while I was working on my thesis prospectus fall term of senior year - specifically Chris Bathgate and Iron and Wine. They may not sound too angry or depressing, but I can feel my mental state changing to something much quieter and reflective, but not in a meditative , calm way. Something darker, more stressed, subtly angry and frustrated. It's like I've experienced so much frustration in the past few weeks that I can no longer express it outwardly, instead I turn inward and let it simmer, quietly and intensely. There's also a certain anxiety attached to it, like I'm losing something. I think it's control, I'm losing control over the situation, details are slipping through my fingers and the more I attempt to control, the more I miss. Everything has turned into this wriggling mass...condensed and coiled, but writhing out of my grip.

Chris Bathgate - Serpentine from Bandstand Busking on Vimeo.

Moving in and Moving On

Today, Chris picked up the keys to our new apartment - we officially have a place to live in Portland. I'm so excited that this is finally happening! The apartment has so many perks to it - within walking distance to a variety of stores, a yoga studio, Willamette Sailing Club...so many things. Plus beautiful wood floors and big windows. The only thing is I won't be able to actually see it until I move down at the beginning of October.

Work has definitely gone crazy of late. My replacement, Emily, started on Tuesday - I haven't had a moment to think since then. Between training her, making sure everything is on track for our upcoming events, and fulfilling my regular admin responsibilities, I have absolutely no time at work for any mistakes. I've been staying late at work to take care of all the things I can't get to when Emily's around and we're training. I think she's going to do a good job though - she's trying really hard, pays attention and asks questions.

She reminds me a lot of myself when I started - excited to be doing something new, first real job out of college. Watching her, I realize how much I've grown over the last year. While I'm still not entirely sure of my path, I feel much more confident that I'm capable of making my own decisions and deciding the direction of my own life. I know that the next few months will hold their challenges - finding a job, adjusting to a new city - but I feel confident that I will be able to overcome them and be the better for it. You have to sacrifice and make difficult decisions to get what you really want, and I feel like I'm taking those steps to make my life exactly what I want to be - happy and fulfilled.

Resigned

So I gave notice at work. I actually did it about two weeks ago, but those two weeks have been so incredibly insane I haven't had time to really reflect on it.

My boss didn't take it so well at first - she seemed angry with me. She seems to have calmed down some and I don't feel like she's angry with me anymore. It has been a difficult transition though. Things have been super busy because of the new client and now trying to hire a new full time and part time person. The first couple days after I gave notice were the worst - I felt horribly guilty and started having second thoughts. Ultimately though I'm comfortable with my decision.

I'm excited to make these changes - Chris and I have found an apartment in Portland, I'm applying for some interesting new jobs and I'm just generally excited about my prospects. There is a part of me that is nervous about my employment situation - all the news out there is so bleak, it's hard to not become afraid and anxious, but I'm confident that I will be able to find something, even if it takes a little longer than I would like. More than anything though, I'm excited to finally be with Chris. The majority of our relationship has been long-distance, connecting via phone calls and IM's, scheduling in weekend visits and logging hundreds of hours driving between one city and another. I'm looking forward to the prospect of being in one place, together, for an indefinite period of time. I feel like if I have that, everything else will fall into place.

In Good Company

Tonight I visited a new wine bar with my really good friend Steph. It's in Greenlake and is called Greenlake Wines - it was wonderful. The atmosphere was great and the staff were super friendly. We had a great bottle of red and split this wonderful dish of sausage and potato salad. Everything was made from scratch by the owner, who came by our table to make sure everything was delicious, which it was by far!

Anyway, it was just so comforting to sit there in the summer twilight with a good friend and a good bottle of wine. I'm really going to miss evenings like this. Greenlake is beautiful, probably the most beautiful place in Seattle, and it's wonderful to have it so close.

Here's to Sunday Mornings

Coming up for air

So lately I've been experiencing a very acute sense of not knowing what the hell I'm doing.

I've got all these plans and ideas, theoretical visions of the future but I don't really know how to connect A to B or whether I even truly want the life that journey would supposedly give me. Do I want to be a teacher? I say I do. I think part of me does. But there is another part that isn't so sure.

I feel like I'm missing something. I'm making decisions about my future because I feel I have to, jumping from one plan to the next because being without one seems too scary.... irresponsible... wrong. I'm always afraid of being wrong. Doing the wrong thing, acting the wrong way, saying the wrong thing. I'm starting to realize that so much of my life, so many of the decisions I've made have been made from a place of fear. A place where I'm afraid of being judged - what will other people think? I'm supposed to be a responsible, well-adjusted, successful and reasonable young adult. I make rational, well-thought out and practical decisions. I have a job and a pay check and car insurance. I'm supposed to start a respectable career and be good at it, excel, like I did in school and sailing and every other aspect of my life.

And yet, I feel directionless, swept along by the ebb and flow of the life I'm supposed to be living, not really knowing why. I feel like I'm coming up for air now. I'm beginning to see the true motivation behind my decisions - fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of judgment and ridicule, fear that I won't live up to the ideal I've constructed for myself - the perfect daughter, sister, girlfriend...the perfect person I've always felt I needed to be.

So how do I change this? It's a question I've been thinking about a lot lately. How do I modify my behavior and decisions so that they are less a reaction to my personal doubts and more a reflection of personal desires? I don't think the answer is an easy one - I don't think I can just say "Hey, starting today I'm not going to be afraid anymore." and that will cure me. I think that statement needs to become more of a daily affirmation, an affirmation I put into action by reflecting more deeply before making a decision or a plan. I need to explore my desires, my dreams, not shun them because they don't fit into some category of acceptable ambitions. I need to explore these dreams so that I can find the one that truly fits, that one that I can make into a reality, knowing that it is the reality I want because it makes me happy, even if it means admitting that my first inclination was a mistake and I've changed my mind.

Realizing all this is freeing. I feel like I'm on the precipice of something vast and expansive. Now I just have to figure out where I want to go.

What If

This month has been a rough one so far, filled with a few too many challenges than I'd like. The biggest one seems to be the time (or lack there of) I've been able to spend with Chris. I'm not very good at this whole long-distance relationship thing. I don't like not knowing when I'm going to see him next or only getting 12hrs together out of an entire month. I get anxious and upset and overly sensitive, and stupidly sentimental. I try and not think about it, to distract myself with various other activities, mostly sailing and spending time with friends, but I can't help it. Little things will remind me of him and how much I miss him, how unfair this whole situation is and how much I wish it would just end.

But I can't have my cake and eat it too. To get what I want with him, I'm going to have to give up something else, something just as dear: the wonderful friends I have here. I mean, I have friends in Portland too and it's not like I won't ever see my friends in Seattle again or stop being friends with them, but I won't have them so close and that scares me. I feel like I'm being pulled in two completely different directions - on one hand I've got my life here in Seattle, my friends, my job and on the other I have Chris and the potential for something completely different and new. I want both, but they are proving impossible to reconcile. And so I'm being forced to make a choice, and while I've picked Chris, and I'm sure of my decision, I can't help but think "what if?"

It's an intriguing idea really - deciding to maintain the status quo a little longer, to not quit my job, not move, to stay on this emotional roller coaster ride called a long-distance relationship. But how much longer could I really keep this up before something broke? It's been 8 months now since we started our Seattle-Portland romance, can we keep it going? I'm sure we could, for at least while longer, but is it worth it? And then I think, "but life is all about taking risks right?" And what could be a bigger risk than quitting my job in the middle of a record-breaking recession and moving to a completely new city for no other reason than (and let's be honest, even though it's cheesy) love.

It's taking a risk alright and I'm sure my relationship with Chris will be well worth the massive adjustment it is going to demand of me. I just hope that the risk pays off in other areas of my life as well.

Fingers Crossed

I head to California tomorrow to visit my Dad for the first time in a long time. My little sister will be coming as well and my step-sister and her daughter Kaylie. It's a mini family reunion long over due. Plus I'll get to be somewhere where they actually have summer in June and July, unlike Seattle which has been perpetually cloudy and lukewarm the past few weeks.

Work has been off and on lately - it's been mostly slow and boring punctuated with small and intense bouts of productivity. Today was pretty good. I started work on a new fundraising plan to bring in sponsors for some WCOG's forums. I like when they actually let me do things and work on projects, rather than relegate me to secretarial work. I think most of my frustration from the job is a result of feeling underutilized and underemployed.

I haven't heard back from the job in Portland, but their deadline for applications is tomorrow, so hopefully I may hear something next week. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I'm hoping to begin actively looking for more opportunities next week and work on some applications if I find something interesting. My timing is a bit constricted, so I'm a bit hesitant to apply for too much for fear of putting my office in a bad position. The last thing I want to do is leave them holding the bag, so I need to make sure my transition is as smooth as possible. I'm eager to move forward though, no matter what happens. Seattle's been a great learning experience, but it isn't where I want to be anymore.

All Good Things Must Come to an End

Today was my last day of volunteering. For the last few months I've been volunteering for an after school program called Teen Night Tuesdays. It largely consists of adolescent refugees who have been resettled in Seattle with their families. Many of the kids are from African or Middle Eastern countries. We met every Tuesday night at a local church and had dinner, played games and talked with the kids about the kinds of challenges they faced at school. The goal of the group was to help the kids adjust to being in America and encourage positive social interaction with their peers.

I have so enjoyed my time with TNT - even though there were definite challenges the overall experience was incredibly rewarding. The kids I met had such a wonderful sense of humor despite their situations and I never tired of talking and interacting with them. I'm really going to miss it. It was the one time of the week when I could completely stop thinking about my own problems and troubles and just enjoy playing a game of soccer or doing an art project. It was the only time of the week where I felt like I truly lived in the moment, focusing on the here and now, rather than the future and my endless to-do list.

I loved TNT because it gave me that respite from the rest of my life - I was there to help some pretty amazing kids deal with challenging situations and in the end I think they ended up helping me deal with my own challenges. Volunteering and giving of oneself to help others is an amazing thing, a part of my life have only recently discovered and something I want to never lose. It makes you feel alive.

The Coast is Calling

Making Things Happen

So I've decided to start making the transition to Portland. I've been so anxious about this change, wanting it to happen now and wishing that September (my anticipated move date) would arrive faster. I've been looking at job opportunities and just wishing that it were closer to the fall so I could apply.

And then I remembered - I'm the one in control of this situation and if I want to leave sooner then that is the goal I should work towards. It's tough though, because I'm also having to overcome this hurdle of fear, fear of disappointing my boss and leaving sooner than both she and I had anticipated. I really enjoy working with her and my other coworkers - it's a great office to be a part of and I'm going to be really sad to leave it. But my life circumstances have changed and they require a different plan of action than the one I originally implemented.

I'm excited for the change - I'm applying for my first job opportunity this week. It's a bit of long shot, but more than worth it if I get it. I only hope that I can overcome the fear of breaking the news to my boss and asking her to be a reference. I know in my heart that she will be glowing reference, but I feel guilty about leaving her so soon after all the kindness she has shown me. I've been so lucky working where I do, I hope I can somehow help that trend continue.

Sweet Dreams

Oregon Revisted

I spent Memorial Day weekend in Oregon - Portland first, a short stopover in Corvallis, and a couple days in Eugene. The drive down was pretty miserable - took me two and a half hours to get as far as Olympia! Once I got to Portland, Chris and I headed to Eugene. We ended up staying the night at his parents' house in Corvallis. The next day we left for Eugene and arrived at Fern Ridge a little before noon for their annual Memorial Day Regatta. The wind didn't cooperate for most of the weekend, but it was great to be back at the lake surrounded by a bunch of sailors. Seeing Sophie, Cara and Jeannette was the best part - I miss those girls!

The whole trip made me realize how much I miss Oregon. I don't know how to explain the difference exactly, but Oregon just has something special about it. The people are amazingly friendly, it's super laid back and it is absolutely the most beautiful place on earth. I'm elated to be moving back there in the fall and this trip helped me to confirm that Oregon is the place I truly belong. It feels like home and that feeling is so comforting - I can't wait to go back.

Unfortunately, though Memorial Day Weekend must come to end and now I find myself back in Seattle. The sun is out for the first time in a week or so and I'm starting to see hints of the summer to come. I hope it's a good one - filled with friends and sailing and sunshine.

A Lesson in Confrontation

A significant part of my job involves dealing with a variety of clients with particular ideas of how they want their organization represented and the role me and my company play in that representation.

Today I dealt with one of our more particular clients - a member of the WCOG board of directors. He was upset with my handling of a potential new board member nomination, namely that I had contacted the nominee before he did (part of his specific board responsibilities). The action was a result of some misunderstanding and miscommunication amongst multiple board members and staff, but nonetheless I was the one to bare the brunt of this particular board member's dissatisfaction.

The phone call consisted largely of me trying to explain what had happened and why I took the action I did, and the board member accusing me of abusing my position, taking advantage of WCOG, misusing the organization's funds and creating an awkward and uncomfortable situation for himself (presumably because he would be making contact with the candidate after I did). His tone was accusatory and confrontational and he repeatedly tried to cast my actions in a malicious light, even though they were perfectly innocent and meant to ease the transition for the candidate and the board, not complicate it.

Anyway, the part of the whole situation I found the most frustrating was that he was right. He had a perfectly good point - according to the committee descriptions and board policy he was the one who should have contacted the candidate first...however, his entire point became lost in the confrontation. He started the conversation on the offensive, and despite my best efforts, I was immediately put in a defensive position. The phone call created more problems and necessitated further communication with the board and discussion of procedures - rather than solving the issue in a rational and calm manner, the confrontation only led to more confrontation and misunderstanding, and thus more of my admin time.

It made me realize the importance of controlling your emotions - even when you're angry or feel slighted. Approaching someone in such a confrontational manner, while maybe allowing you to vent and feel a little better immediately after, never produces the result you ultimately desire - resolution. While part of me wishes I had told him to take a hike, the other side of me sees that by doing so I would have fulfilled his description of me as a manipulative employee, when in reality I work extremely hard every day to make sure that my clients get the best value for their money, that I represent them in a professional manner and that I do my best to promote their message and organization.

This, I think, is the most important thing I've learned at my job - I mean, I think I "knew" it before, but now I know how to actively employ it. And that lesson is basically that sometimes, despite what you really feel or believe, you have to strive to find the middle ground, to have the foresight to see what is ultimately going to be best for you, your company and your client, not your ego or temper. It's a tough lesson, but a worthwhile one that the last year has made me quite familiar with.

Roots

A Lesson in Spontaneity

So I know my last post was a little down on the whole long-distance relationship thing, but as usual, I was little too quick to judge the outcome of my weekend.

Saturday started out with a long list of errands that thankfully was finished by the afternoon. I was on my way home when Chris called, we were both complaining about how we had nothing to do that evening and trying to brainstorm ways to stave off the boredom, when he jokingly suggested "Let's meet half way." Halfway between Portland and Seattle that is. Well of course! Why hadn't we thought of this before? And so it was decided - two hours later we met up in Centralia, WA.

We spent less than 24 hrs together, but it was better than nothing and the excitement of being in a new place neither one of us had explored (though driven by countless times) made for a nice little adventure. We wandered around the town, got dinner, and enjoyed ourselves. No pressure, no plans. It was like a mini vacation that refreshed and revived us for the week ahead. The best part was the spontaneity of it - it's something neither one of us expected to happen, a pleasant surprise we gave each other.

We've decided to have more weekend trips like this, and while that may remove some of the spontaneity from the event, I like that we're maintaining the sense of adventure and exploration. He may be in Portland and I may be in Seattle, but that doesn't mean we have to stick to these places. So much of our world has been relegated to either one or the other, his place or mine, that I think it becomes easy to forget the rest of the world. This weekend served as a reminder that there is so much more, even if it's just a highway town like Centralia.

I-5

This photo was taken from a train I was riding in on the way to Seattle over the summer. Since Chris moved to Portland so much of my time has been spent driving to and from Seattle. I've developed a rather strong love-hate relationship with I-5. On one hand it's a source of connection and reunion, on the other it's a traffic-jammed obstacle between me and the place I want to be.

Normally, I would be traveling down that highway right now, probably at about Olympia or Lacey, just about to hit the road construction that will prove a frustration for the rest of the summer. I decided to take a weekend off from traveling though - I haven't spent a weekend home in roughly 6 weeks (for a variety of reasons). I'm hoping to catch up on all the things I've been putting off - cleaning, laundry, doctor's appointments and a much needed tire rotation. Regardless of that length of the task list I've made for myself this weekend, I found myself day dreaming about driving down I-5 while at work today. I imagined myself rushing home, packing my things and just going. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to be home, I wanted to be in Portland and I was willing to drop anything to do it. While obviously I didn't follow that impulse, I'll probably spend the weekend thinking about what it would have been like if I had.

I think that is the hardest part about being in a long-distance relationship - needing and wanting to be in two places at once. It's like you have two separate lives - there's Seattle Jess and then there's Portland Jess. Each one has different priorities, different responsibilities, different habits and routines. It's weird - I feel sort of displaced. Neither place really feels like home, neither place feels complete. When I'm with Chris I'm happy, whole, but I know it's only a temporary reprieve, too-soon ended by the beginning of another work week. But Seattle isn't much better...my body is here, but my mind is elsewhere. I'm never really in one place. That's what I want most right now I think - to feel grounded, to feel at home, complete and whole, not desiring to be somewhere else but happy to be where I am.

A Different Approach

So for the last couple years my goal has to been to become a teacher - to get my credentials, my masters and teach high school English. I like the idea of sharing my love of literature and writing with kids who probably could care less about Virginia Woolf and Jane Austen. I've always thought my passion for the subject would help me through that difficulty - would help me connect with some students who did care and just didn't know it yet.

That's why I applied to Teach for America my senior year. I got through to the final interview and then I got a rejection letter. I was disappointed. I had spent so much time preparing for the application and interview, and writing my senior thesis at the same time, that I didn't really prepare an adequate Plan B. It was too late to apply to most grad school programs and to be honest I was unmotivated to apply to the ones still accepting. I wanted to enjoy my last few months as a college student, not spend it fighting for approval from some anonymous review board.

So I finished my thesis and I graduated and then I just kind of did the first thing that made sense. I moved to Seattle because I knew a lot of people there, I could move in with my boyfriend and spend the summer exploring a new city, sailing and spending time with friends. I found a job one week after moving to Seattle and started it a week later. It's a great job, with a great employer and awesome coworkers. I work right on the sound, literally steps from the beach, in a laid back, small office. I get paid decently and have benefits. It's a lot then most people my age can say, especially in this economic climate. I think I've done pretty well for myself considering the circumstances.

However, I wasn't really and I'm still not satisfied. Granted some of this dissatisfaction stems from the fact that my boyfriend and I transitioned into a long-distance relationship when he took a job in Portland. But that's not the whole story. I took my job because I needed it, not because I wanted it. I love my employer and coworkers, but I feel like I'm stuck. The work isn't very challenging and there's not really room for any meaningful advancement at the moment. So I started making plans to move - I would move to Portland, find a job to live on and then go back to school to get my credentials and enter the career I have had my sites set on for the last few years - teaching.

Over the last week though as I've started planning for this career change and move, I've wondered if I'm making the right decision. Teachers are being laid off in droves - is it necessarily the best idea to take on the burden of student loans to become certified for a profession in which I may not be able to find viable employment? Maybe, like with Teach for America, it's not the right time. Maybe school isn't the answer right now. I've started to reevaluate what it means for me to be successful - does it mean getting an advanced degree before I'm 25? Does it mean beginning a life long career in my 20's? Is this really what I want to do for my entire life?

I'm not so sure right now. And that's what this blog post is ultimately about - not being sure. I've spend the last few years trying to attain a plan I'm not sure how to realize or if I even want to realize it. What I've come to see is that I like the idea of being a teacher, but I'm not so sure I'm ready to face the challenges that such a profession entails. I'm not ready to resign myself to one thing, because I don't think I know what that one thing really is it yet. That's why I've decided that when I move to Portland in September the job I'll be looking for won't be the first thing that comes across my path, it'll be something I want to do, something I enjoy doing, something that will help me grow and find that one thing that I do want to do for the rest of my life. Yes it's idealistic and probably naive to think that I'll just be able to pick whatever I want, but I think that is the only way that I'm really going to find work I enjoy and find meaningful, rather than work I just do for the paycheck. If I've learned anything over the last year it's that happiness isn't something that just happens to you, given and taken by fate's anonymous will, but it's something we create, it's something we build and mold with the choices we make and the people we love.

Reunion

For three years, I was on my college sailing team. It was the best part of college for me - I got to travel, compete in a physically and mentally challenging sport, and meet some of the most amazing people I know - people whose personalities are unforgettably unique and powerful in their eccentricity, kindness, intelligence, creativity and absolute, zealous appreciation for all life has to offer.

This past weekend we were reunited for PSU Gorge Invite at Cascade Locks, OR. The sailing was perfect - great wind, great weather and plenty of awesome races. For the first time in almost a year I forgot that I had graduated and entered the "adult" world. All that mattered was the water and the wind, pulling my sail in and hiking flat. I forgot about bills, and work, and the question that perpetually hangs over my head nowadays - "What are you doing with your life?"

Instead, I got to spend a weekend being completely enthralled with my surroundings - my friends, the water and an atmosphere of positivity and camaraderie I truly miss. I remembered what it's like to feel exhilarated and calm at the same time as we planed downwind and the feeling of anticipation at the start line, rushing into something new and unknown.

These feelings made me realize that this is exactly what I need to find in this new life I'm making for myself. My days of college sailing are over, only to be revisited once a year, but I have plenty of life ahead of me to enjoy and I need to make sure that I make the most of it.

I ended the weekend with a renewed sense of what I want in this world - a reminder of how life should feel. My goal now is to make it a reality. Let the planning begin.

The First

I suppose I should probably explain why I started this thing.

Mostly, I just wanted a venue to get my thoughts out there. I thought this would be a good place to record the interesting (and somewhat uninteresting) things that happen to me, any thought provoking articles I come across, and photos from the events, places and people that comprise my life. Hopefully, this will help me record life's expected and unexpected twists and turns as I figure out my place in this great big world.

Here's to a successful blog!