In Good Company

Tonight I visited a new wine bar with my really good friend Steph. It's in Greenlake and is called Greenlake Wines - it was wonderful. The atmosphere was great and the staff were super friendly. We had a great bottle of red and split this wonderful dish of sausage and potato salad. Everything was made from scratch by the owner, who came by our table to make sure everything was delicious, which it was by far!

Anyway, it was just so comforting to sit there in the summer twilight with a good friend and a good bottle of wine. I'm really going to miss evenings like this. Greenlake is beautiful, probably the most beautiful place in Seattle, and it's wonderful to have it so close.

Here's to Sunday Mornings

Coming up for air

So lately I've been experiencing a very acute sense of not knowing what the hell I'm doing.

I've got all these plans and ideas, theoretical visions of the future but I don't really know how to connect A to B or whether I even truly want the life that journey would supposedly give me. Do I want to be a teacher? I say I do. I think part of me does. But there is another part that isn't so sure.

I feel like I'm missing something. I'm making decisions about my future because I feel I have to, jumping from one plan to the next because being without one seems too scary.... irresponsible... wrong. I'm always afraid of being wrong. Doing the wrong thing, acting the wrong way, saying the wrong thing. I'm starting to realize that so much of my life, so many of the decisions I've made have been made from a place of fear. A place where I'm afraid of being judged - what will other people think? I'm supposed to be a responsible, well-adjusted, successful and reasonable young adult. I make rational, well-thought out and practical decisions. I have a job and a pay check and car insurance. I'm supposed to start a respectable career and be good at it, excel, like I did in school and sailing and every other aspect of my life.

And yet, I feel directionless, swept along by the ebb and flow of the life I'm supposed to be living, not really knowing why. I feel like I'm coming up for air now. I'm beginning to see the true motivation behind my decisions - fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of judgment and ridicule, fear that I won't live up to the ideal I've constructed for myself - the perfect daughter, sister, girlfriend...the perfect person I've always felt I needed to be.

So how do I change this? It's a question I've been thinking about a lot lately. How do I modify my behavior and decisions so that they are less a reaction to my personal doubts and more a reflection of personal desires? I don't think the answer is an easy one - I don't think I can just say "Hey, starting today I'm not going to be afraid anymore." and that will cure me. I think that statement needs to become more of a daily affirmation, an affirmation I put into action by reflecting more deeply before making a decision or a plan. I need to explore my desires, my dreams, not shun them because they don't fit into some category of acceptable ambitions. I need to explore these dreams so that I can find the one that truly fits, that one that I can make into a reality, knowing that it is the reality I want because it makes me happy, even if it means admitting that my first inclination was a mistake and I've changed my mind.

Realizing all this is freeing. I feel like I'm on the precipice of something vast and expansive. Now I just have to figure out where I want to go.

What If

This month has been a rough one so far, filled with a few too many challenges than I'd like. The biggest one seems to be the time (or lack there of) I've been able to spend with Chris. I'm not very good at this whole long-distance relationship thing. I don't like not knowing when I'm going to see him next or only getting 12hrs together out of an entire month. I get anxious and upset and overly sensitive, and stupidly sentimental. I try and not think about it, to distract myself with various other activities, mostly sailing and spending time with friends, but I can't help it. Little things will remind me of him and how much I miss him, how unfair this whole situation is and how much I wish it would just end.

But I can't have my cake and eat it too. To get what I want with him, I'm going to have to give up something else, something just as dear: the wonderful friends I have here. I mean, I have friends in Portland too and it's not like I won't ever see my friends in Seattle again or stop being friends with them, but I won't have them so close and that scares me. I feel like I'm being pulled in two completely different directions - on one hand I've got my life here in Seattle, my friends, my job and on the other I have Chris and the potential for something completely different and new. I want both, but they are proving impossible to reconcile. And so I'm being forced to make a choice, and while I've picked Chris, and I'm sure of my decision, I can't help but think "what if?"

It's an intriguing idea really - deciding to maintain the status quo a little longer, to not quit my job, not move, to stay on this emotional roller coaster ride called a long-distance relationship. But how much longer could I really keep this up before something broke? It's been 8 months now since we started our Seattle-Portland romance, can we keep it going? I'm sure we could, for at least while longer, but is it worth it? And then I think, "but life is all about taking risks right?" And what could be a bigger risk than quitting my job in the middle of a record-breaking recession and moving to a completely new city for no other reason than (and let's be honest, even though it's cheesy) love.

It's taking a risk alright and I'm sure my relationship with Chris will be well worth the massive adjustment it is going to demand of me. I just hope that the risk pays off in other areas of my life as well.

Fingers Crossed

I head to California tomorrow to visit my Dad for the first time in a long time. My little sister will be coming as well and my step-sister and her daughter Kaylie. It's a mini family reunion long over due. Plus I'll get to be somewhere where they actually have summer in June and July, unlike Seattle which has been perpetually cloudy and lukewarm the past few weeks.

Work has been off and on lately - it's been mostly slow and boring punctuated with small and intense bouts of productivity. Today was pretty good. I started work on a new fundraising plan to bring in sponsors for some WCOG's forums. I like when they actually let me do things and work on projects, rather than relegate me to secretarial work. I think most of my frustration from the job is a result of feeling underutilized and underemployed.

I haven't heard back from the job in Portland, but their deadline for applications is tomorrow, so hopefully I may hear something next week. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I'm hoping to begin actively looking for more opportunities next week and work on some applications if I find something interesting. My timing is a bit constricted, so I'm a bit hesitant to apply for too much for fear of putting my office in a bad position. The last thing I want to do is leave them holding the bag, so I need to make sure my transition is as smooth as possible. I'm eager to move forward though, no matter what happens. Seattle's been a great learning experience, but it isn't where I want to be anymore.