Wrong Number?

I'm trying to be a little more optimistic about things; it's hard but I need to change my thinking. I can't spend everyday feeling sorry for myself.

I'm still feeling pessimistic about the job stuff though - I'm just trying to stop it from consuming my every other thought. I'm working to be productive every day in my job hunt. I applied for three more positions yesterday - one at Reed College (the second I've applied for there), one at PSU and one at this social service organization called Danville Services of Oregon. I've now applied for 17 jobs with organizations all over Portland - PCC, PSU, LC, Reed, OSUF, Ecos, Multonomah County, Portland Metro, as well as various Craigslist postings. So far the only ones I have heard back from were involved in some sort of scam or were writing to tell me I had not been selected for an interview.

I keep applying for everything that looks interesting, but it's hard with results like these, to not feel like its a futile effort, that I'm just sending things into the ether never to be heard from again. I even, in a moment of panic, double checked the contact information on my resume and all the cover letters I have sent out, thinking that maybe I put the wrong number or email address. But they were all correct....nothing was wrong with them, except that no one is using them.

Pride before the fall

The last couple days have been really hard. I don't know if it's just the rainy weather, but I've been feeling extremely depressed. I've been searching for jobs daily this week but have found it difficult to motivate myself to actually work on the applications. It feels pointless. I've submitted a number of applications already and have only really heard back from one, and they pretty much said "thanks but no thanks".

I have this voice in my head that just keeps saying "what's the point? No one's going to even call you anyway." What's scary is that I'm starting to believe that voice; I'm starting to think it's right...no one is going to call me or email me or hire me. I'm just going to be that worthless idiot that foolishly quit her job and moved to a completely different city for a boy. I'm such a moron.

Everyday I wait for a phone call or an email from someone willing to give me a chance. But it never comes. I feel so alone. I feel like a failure and a disappointment. Mostly though I feel like a fool...a food for thinking there was something special about me. That I would be able to overcome the challenges and find a good job that I enjoyed. It was all a big fat lie I told my self, inflating my ego and arrogance. I thought I could do it....but clearly I can't.

On the Hunt

I applied for two more jobs yesterday - both at Portland Community College campuses. One is south of us and one is closer to where Chris works.

The postings have definitely been slowing down. It's been more difficult in the last few days to find opportunities worth applying for. There are quite a few part time positions, but I really need something with benefits. Right now I don't have any kind of insurance and I definitely don't want to continue that practice.

I just keep crossing my fingers that something will come through. I don't really know what else to do. I apply for jobs when I find them and I wait for some to contact me. I think that is the hardest the part - the waiting. It's especially bad because most employers are switching to these anonymous online submissions systems. Basically, you fill out some generic online forms with all your information, attach a cover letter, resume and whatever else they ask for and press submit. There's no one to contact to follow up and many times they explicitly tell you not to contact them. It's so isolating and makes you feel so vulnerable because you have no hand in the process after that point. You just have to hunker down and wait and pray that the person on the other end of all those wires and computer screens notices you and sees you for the potential human employee and fellow contributor you are.

I'm just not very good at being patient, especially when the numbers in my bank account are slowly dwindling.

The Sublime

Yesterday Chris and I drove to the coast to watch the arrival of the big storm that is drenching most of the Pacific Northwest. We drove to Seaside and then up the coast to Astoria before coming back home to Portland.

We stopped at this state park just north of Seaside. There was a look out platform erected by a breakwater at one of the viewing areas. As soon as we got out of the truck the wind was whipping our clothes and hair flat against our bodies. We couldn't see the ocean from the parking lot, but we could see huge clouds of spray flying up above the breakwater rocks and hear the crash of the waves as they exploded upward. We climbed the wooden tower to a flat platform and from there we could see the full scale of the roiling ocean before us. The rain had stopped for the moment and the sun was making one of its rare appearances that day. Everything was gold and silver. The ocean seemed to go on forever, an overwhelming, angry mass in constant motion, massive waves breaking one over the other before meeting their end on the jagged black rocks, their spray hitting our faces and making our clothes damp and salty.

It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. When I was in college I studied the romantics - they wrote, especially Percy Shelley, about this concept of the sublime. Essentially the sublime was an aspect of nature that was so incredibly overwhelming that it stunned the senses, literally left humans feeling powerless in its presence, immobilized by the sheer awesomeness of the natural world...a cliff, a mountain, caves or forests, anything that left you feeling so incredibly small in the face of something so massively powerful and encompassing.

Yesterday, I saw the sublime in that ocean. I had always understood the concept in the abstract sense, but standing on that lookout yesterday staring into the golden, frothing depths of the Pacific Ocean, I felt the sublime. I felt it as we descended the platform listening to the ocean's roar, making our way across the sandy parking lot and back to the safety and warmth of our car. It stayed with me all the way home and still sits in my chest, gently rolling in and out of my consciousness.

I could have stood on that platform forever. I'm still there in my mind, watching the waves come in, whitecaps crashing, sun shining in the ocean's mist and on the broken rocks, everything golden and sparkling, the sheer power of the water and the earth forever burned in my memory.

Foolish

So far the only responses I've received to any of my job applications have included two scams and one thanks but no thanks.

I keep telling myself to be patient - maybe next week I'll hear something; just keep looking and something will happen.

I just feel pointless. I want to cry, but I can't. I feel the tears burning but they don't come. I'm angry, but I have nothing and no one to yell at, except myself. I'm terrified that I've made the wrong decision, that it was a mistake to quit my job and move here. I'm afraid that I won't find a job, that there won't be any relief, that I'm being punished for having made a stupid and foolish decision.

I'm just gonna go ahead and whine some more

Well, I'm still jobless. No prospects so far. I've applied for a total of twelve jobs in the last two weeks. Some of them having closing deadlines happening this week, so hopefully I will begin hearing from some people during the next couple weeks. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.

It's frustrating because I've heard nothing. It's scary. What if weeks go by and I still hear nothing?

It's hard for me to sleep at night. I go to bed with Chris lying next to me and I just can't sleep. My eyes keeping opening and I find myself staring at the window, watching the light filter through the blinds from the parking lot outside. I'm thinking about everything and nothing - my dwindling bank account, the decision I made to leave my job and my life in Seattle to come to Portland and change everything, whether or not I'll get hired, if this whole thing is just a big sick joke.

I'm scared mostly I think. I try and act confident, sure I will find something, but inside I'm terrified. What if I'm not good enough and I don't stand out and no one wants me? I feel so vulnerable, like I can try all I want, submit tens, hundreds of applications, but ultimately it's out of my hands. Someone else has to pick me, someone else has to say that I'm the one.

I just want a job. I just want to be productive and do something, be something. I don't want to sit around wondering what's going to happen to me. I really, really hate this.

Jobless in Portland

I hate not having a job.

It is the most worthless, unproductive, anxiety-inducing feeling in the world. I've only been unemployed for two weeks and I already feel depressed and anxious all the time. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning - it feels pointless. All I do is fill out job applications and watch bad daytime TV. I try and go outside, find things to do that don't require me to spend money. I've been reading a lot - books and the news. The articles about the economy are the worst...they just remind me what I'm up against. I can't even imagine the mindset of those that have been unemployed long term - it must be a feeling of just utter despair. No wonder people give up and stop looking. I don't blame them.

I try and keep everything in perspective, but I can't help the whispers of doubt that begin to creep into my consciousness when I'm all alone - what if this doesn't end? what if you don't get the job or even an interview? what then? what about your bank balance, rent, and food? what if? what if? what if?

Idleness really is dangerous.

Portland or Bust

Well, things have definitely changed quite a bit since my last post. I'm now officially a Portland, OR resident, shacked up with my boyfriend in a new apartment in the SW, and among the ranks of the unemployed.

It's been an interesting ride to this point, starting with the ride down to Portland. Two Sundays ago, Chris and I loaded the rest of our earthly possessions into the West Coast Sailing trailer and headed over to Seattle Yacht Club to meet up with Chris' boss, George. SYC had hosted the US National Team Race Championships that weekend and George was reselling six of the V15's purchased brand new specifically for the event. In return for letting us use the trailer, we were helping George load all the boats and transport them down to Portland. It took about five hours to load everything up - George was towing a four boat trailer with an added laser on the side, plus a boat on top of his truck, Chris had the last boat on top of his truck and was towing the trailer with all our furniture, while my car was packed with my stuff and cartopping six booms and some laser spars. We were quite the caravan leaving Seattle at about 10:30pm. We stopped for an hour long snooze somewhere south of Olympia, and ended up pulling into Portland and the West Coast Sailing warehouse at about 3:30am. Chris and I finally hit the sheets at 4am on Monday morning...and thus began my first day in Portland!

The adventures have only continued as we've moved our stuff into the apartment, unpacked and generally adjusted to this new life. I spent most of last week organizing the apartment and looking for employment. We spent our first weekend together not in Portland, but in Eugene, acting as Race Committee for NWCISA's team race champs (Congrats to UW for qualifying - and a shout out to all the other teams for some great racing!).

My second week in Portland has been a little more interesting. I spent Tuesday at the DMV getting my car registered and my new Oregon driver's license - a little more than $200 later, I'm officially an Oregonian again. Then yesterday Chris had the day off, so Sophie, Russ, Chris and I took the Pearson out on a little sail up the Columbia...unfortunately our sail included running aground and having to be rescued by Columbia River Marine Assistance. Another $200 later and we were ungrounded and heading back to the marine, ending our evening with some delicious dinner and much needed alcoholic beverages at The Sextant.

And now for another day of job searching, applications and cover letters. I've submitted a few applications already at a variety of jobs, mostly with local government offices. They are all really impressive opportunities and I hope they pan out. It's hard to say right now though, because most of them say not to expect any word for a couple weeks at least and many of them don't have closing dates until next week. In the meantime, I'll keep searching, applying, and crossing my fingers.

And for your viewing pleasure...here is my new city :)