I don't think Chris is ever going to ask me to marry him, and I'm not quite sure what to do about it.
Anytime the subject of marriage comes up, I feel like he tries to avoid it. Like when we were at Trevor and Ashley's wedding, I was explaining the whole throwing the bouquet tradition and how the girl that caught the bouquet is supposed to be the next one to be married - he immediately pushed my arms to my sides and held them there. I know he was probably joking a little bit, but I think he really wants to avoid the topic of marriage at all costs.
I can't imagine marrying anyone else...he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I can't figure out if his aversion to marriage is something temporary or permanent. Sometimes I wonder if he's as sure as I am about our relationship and future together. I mean I don't think he wants to end our relationship and I'm confident he loves me, it just seems like he's very, very hesitant to make that level of commitment and he hasn't really given any hint at when he will be.
I think I'm ready, or at least very near ready to get married. Many of our peers are getting married and engaged. We'll have been together for three years this November, and the subject has pretty much never come up except in the most abstract of terms.
Maybe that's why I feel so discontent - we have never had a serious discussion about the prospect of marriage (mostly because Chris seems not to want to). Maybe if we talked about it, I wouldn't feel so anxious about it. I'm kind of scared though to bring it up....I'm afraid of what he'll say. Once I suggested marriage would be on the schedule in 3-4 years and he acted like that wasn't nearly a long enough time-frame.
I just don't know.....
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Lonely Tonight
It's summer, which means Chris is never here. Work steals him away for days. Even when he stays in town, I hardly see him. He gets stuck in that warehouse and doesn't come out. I miss him terribly. His absence feels indefinite. What makes it worse is that when I finally do see him, he's exhausted. All he wants to do is get some rest (and rightfully so), but that means the time we do spend together is not always conscious. The apartment is empty and I eat my meals alone. It's quiet, and dark, and lonely.
It doesn't help that I don't really have any friends here. I am alone. Sometimes I think it will always be this way. When it really comes down to the truth of the matter, I will always be alone. No one ever stays.
It doesn't help that I don't really have any friends here. I am alone. Sometimes I think it will always be this way. When it really comes down to the truth of the matter, I will always be alone. No one ever stays.
Monday, July 18, 2011
New Rules
I think I need to establish a few new rules, some are pretty superficial, some are more meaningful, but they all serve a purpose:
Rule 1: stop shopping at big box stores, shop at locally owned/vintage/consignment shops instead
Why: I spend way too much money at stores that don't source locally/aren't sustainable/generally feed into everything I claim to disagree with. Moving forward (except for items like underwear, shoes, etc) I will consciously choose to make my purchases from local vendors
Rule 2: Read one book a month
Why: I stopped reading frequently and I can feel my brain turning to mush. I need to keep myself informed, and challenged.
Rule 3: Go for more walks - spend more time outdoors.
Why: I'm getting fat. I'm not enjoying the outdoors enough - this sunshine isn't going to last forever.
Rule 4: Bring your lunch - make it yourself.
Why: Buying lunch everyday is expensive and no doubt contributing to my complain above. I need to eat healthier and more cheaply - making my own lunch can help with both of these.
Rule 5: Stay in touch.
Why: I don't talk to my family and friends enough - I don't know what is going on in their lives. I need to make more of an effort to stay in the loop.
Rule 6: Be more creative. Decorate the house with homemade art projects; take an art class.
Why: I need an outlet.
Rule 7: Have more sex.
Why: I haven't been feeling very sexy lately and haven't wanted to have sex very much. Sex shouldn't be a shore. Find a way to spice it up.
Rule 8: Go on more adventures....alone?
Why: I'm way too dependent on other people in order to get out and do stuff. I've never been one to do things on my own, especially if it involves going somewhere new. I need to break this habit and stop letting a lack of company keep me from exploring new things and places.
Rule 9: Buy meaningfully.
Why: I spend too much money on stupid meaningless crap I'm just going to get rid of eventually. I need to make sure my purchases are purposeful and long lasting. Stop buying cheap trendy clothes because I like them at the moment, and buy things I'm going to use for a long time.
Rule 10: Stop whining.
Why: My life doesn't suck by any means - I've got it good and I need to appreciate that more.
Rule 1: stop shopping at big box stores, shop at locally owned/vintage/consignment shops instead
Why: I spend way too much money at stores that don't source locally/aren't sustainable/generally feed into everything I claim to disagree with. Moving forward (except for items like underwear, shoes, etc) I will consciously choose to make my purchases from local vendors
Rule 2: Read one book a month
Why: I stopped reading frequently and I can feel my brain turning to mush. I need to keep myself informed, and challenged.
Rule 3: Go for more walks - spend more time outdoors.
Why: I'm getting fat. I'm not enjoying the outdoors enough - this sunshine isn't going to last forever.
Rule 4: Bring your lunch - make it yourself.
Why: Buying lunch everyday is expensive and no doubt contributing to my complain above. I need to eat healthier and more cheaply - making my own lunch can help with both of these.
Rule 5: Stay in touch.
Why: I don't talk to my family and friends enough - I don't know what is going on in their lives. I need to make more of an effort to stay in the loop.
Rule 6: Be more creative. Decorate the house with homemade art projects; take an art class.
Why: I need an outlet.
Rule 7: Have more sex.
Why: I haven't been feeling very sexy lately and haven't wanted to have sex very much. Sex shouldn't be a shore. Find a way to spice it up.
Rule 8: Go on more adventures....alone?
Why: I'm way too dependent on other people in order to get out and do stuff. I've never been one to do things on my own, especially if it involves going somewhere new. I need to break this habit and stop letting a lack of company keep me from exploring new things and places.
Rule 9: Buy meaningfully.
Why: I spend too much money on stupid meaningless crap I'm just going to get rid of eventually. I need to make sure my purchases are purposeful and long lasting. Stop buying cheap trendy clothes because I like them at the moment, and buy things I'm going to use for a long time.
Rule 10: Stop whining.
Why: My life doesn't suck by any means - I've got it good and I need to appreciate that more.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
I am completely clueless
I have absolutely no idea what the hell I'm doing.
I go to work everyday, I share a home with a man I believe I love, I graduated from a good school with a good degree, I pay my own bills and my taxes. I do it all and I do it all well. But I have absolutely no sense of direction or purpose. I find my job enjoyable - the people are nice and engaging, the the majority of the work is satisfying and they seem to like me. I love Chris and we're happy together. My life is generally good. But I have no idea where it's going.
I'm having trouble engaging on a deeper, intellectual level with my work. I wonder on an almost daily basis where my relationship is going. I miss my family, but have no desire to move closer to them. I gaze into other people's lives through the snippets available on Facebook and wonder at my own blandness. There are no new adventures in my photo albums, no status updates from exotic locales, no relationship status updates or new cities under my name. I haven't approved a new friend request in months. The world is moving and I am standing still, going through the motions and the daily grind not quite understanding why.
I don't know if I'm cut out for this office stuff. I feel like my mind is melting, turning to jelly inside my skull. Sometimes, I just stare at my computer screen. My eyes get lost in it and 15 minutes will do by with my mind having gone completely blank, just staring into all those pixels of color, thinking of absolutely nothing. And it's not like the "meditative, clear your mind" kind of nothing, it's the "my brain has gone into standby mode" kind of nothing.
The problem is, I don't really know what I am cut out for and I'm not exactly in the position to relinquish my one chance of income to find out.
How the hell did I get here?.....More importantly, what the fuck am I going to do about it?
I go to work everyday, I share a home with a man I believe I love, I graduated from a good school with a good degree, I pay my own bills and my taxes. I do it all and I do it all well. But I have absolutely no sense of direction or purpose. I find my job enjoyable - the people are nice and engaging, the the majority of the work is satisfying and they seem to like me. I love Chris and we're happy together. My life is generally good. But I have no idea where it's going.
I'm having trouble engaging on a deeper, intellectual level with my work. I wonder on an almost daily basis where my relationship is going. I miss my family, but have no desire to move closer to them. I gaze into other people's lives through the snippets available on Facebook and wonder at my own blandness. There are no new adventures in my photo albums, no status updates from exotic locales, no relationship status updates or new cities under my name. I haven't approved a new friend request in months. The world is moving and I am standing still, going through the motions and the daily grind not quite understanding why.
I don't know if I'm cut out for this office stuff. I feel like my mind is melting, turning to jelly inside my skull. Sometimes, I just stare at my computer screen. My eyes get lost in it and 15 minutes will do by with my mind having gone completely blank, just staring into all those pixels of color, thinking of absolutely nothing. And it's not like the "meditative, clear your mind" kind of nothing, it's the "my brain has gone into standby mode" kind of nothing.
The problem is, I don't really know what I am cut out for and I'm not exactly in the position to relinquish my one chance of income to find out.
How the hell did I get here?.....More importantly, what the fuck am I going to do about it?
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