Where's the exit?

I am literally drowning in work and stress. Completely overwhelmed. I've been training my replacement for the last week, meanwhile I'm still fulfilling my regular duties with little to no access to a working computer. Today, the second new girl started. So I was training two new people, plus managing a short handed office, again with limited access to a usable computer. Needless to say, some things were overlooked and now my efforts to balance it all are beginning to seem futile. I feel like I'm trying to hold back a massive dam that is slowly crumbling around me, the bandaids I'm using to patch the holes are not working and pretty soon the whole thing is just going to come tumbling down.

I just want out.


A little while later....

I know things have gotten bad at work because I've started to listen to all the music I listened to while I was working on my thesis prospectus fall term of senior year - specifically Chris Bathgate and Iron and Wine. They may not sound too angry or depressing, but I can feel my mental state changing to something much quieter and reflective, but not in a meditative , calm way. Something darker, more stressed, subtly angry and frustrated. It's like I've experienced so much frustration in the past few weeks that I can no longer express it outwardly, instead I turn inward and let it simmer, quietly and intensely. There's also a certain anxiety attached to it, like I'm losing something. I think it's control, I'm losing control over the situation, details are slipping through my fingers and the more I attempt to control, the more I miss. Everything has turned into this wriggling mass...condensed and coiled, but writhing out of my grip.

Chris Bathgate - Serpentine from Bandstand Busking on Vimeo.

Moving in and Moving On

Today, Chris picked up the keys to our new apartment - we officially have a place to live in Portland. I'm so excited that this is finally happening! The apartment has so many perks to it - within walking distance to a variety of stores, a yoga studio, Willamette Sailing Club...so many things. Plus beautiful wood floors and big windows. The only thing is I won't be able to actually see it until I move down at the beginning of October.

Work has definitely gone crazy of late. My replacement, Emily, started on Tuesday - I haven't had a moment to think since then. Between training her, making sure everything is on track for our upcoming events, and fulfilling my regular admin responsibilities, I have absolutely no time at work for any mistakes. I've been staying late at work to take care of all the things I can't get to when Emily's around and we're training. I think she's going to do a good job though - she's trying really hard, pays attention and asks questions.

She reminds me a lot of myself when I started - excited to be doing something new, first real job out of college. Watching her, I realize how much I've grown over the last year. While I'm still not entirely sure of my path, I feel much more confident that I'm capable of making my own decisions and deciding the direction of my own life. I know that the next few months will hold their challenges - finding a job, adjusting to a new city - but I feel confident that I will be able to overcome them and be the better for it. You have to sacrifice and make difficult decisions to get what you really want, and I feel like I'm taking those steps to make my life exactly what I want to be - happy and fulfilled.