Next Comes Marriage?

I don't think Chris is ever going to ask me to marry him, and I'm not quite sure what to do about it.

Anytime the subject of marriage comes up, I feel like he tries to avoid it. Like when we were at Trevor and Ashley's wedding, I was explaining the whole throwing the bouquet tradition and how the girl that caught the bouquet is supposed to be the next one to be married - he immediately pushed my arms to my sides and held them there. I know he was probably joking a little bit, but I think he really wants to avoid the topic of marriage at all costs.

I can't imagine marrying anyone else...he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I can't figure out if his aversion to marriage is something temporary or permanent. Sometimes I wonder if he's as sure as I am about our relationship and future together. I mean I don't think he wants to end our relationship and I'm confident he loves me, it just seems like he's very, very hesitant to make that level of commitment and he hasn't really given any hint at when he will be.

I think I'm ready, or at least very near ready to get married. Many of our peers are getting married and engaged. We'll have been together for three years this November, and the subject has pretty much never come up except in the most abstract of terms.

Maybe that's why I feel so discontent - we have never had a serious discussion about the prospect of marriage (mostly because Chris seems not to want to). Maybe if we talked about it, I wouldn't feel so anxious about it. I'm kind of scared though to bring it up....I'm afraid of what he'll say. Once I suggested marriage would be on the schedule in 3-4 years and he acted like that wasn't nearly a long enough time-frame.

I just don't know.....

Lonely Tonight

It's summer, which means Chris is never here. Work steals him away for days. Even when he stays in town, I hardly see him. He gets stuck in that warehouse and doesn't come out. I miss him terribly. His absence feels indefinite. What makes it worse is that when I finally do see him, he's exhausted. All he wants to do is get some rest (and rightfully so), but that means the time we do spend together is not always conscious. The apartment is empty and I eat my meals alone. It's quiet, and dark, and lonely.

It doesn't help that I don't really have any friends here. I am alone. Sometimes I think it will always be this way. When it really comes down to the truth of the matter, I will always be alone. No one ever stays.

New Rules

I think I need to establish a few new rules, some are pretty superficial, some are more meaningful, but they all serve a purpose:

Rule 1: stop shopping at big box stores, shop at locally owned/vintage/consignment shops instead

Why: I spend way too much money at stores that don't source locally/aren't sustainable/generally feed into everything I claim to disagree with. Moving forward (except for items like underwear, shoes, etc) I will consciously choose to make my purchases from local vendors

Rule 2: Read one book a month

Why: I stopped reading frequently and I can feel my brain turning to mush. I need to keep myself informed, and challenged.

Rule 3: Go for more walks - spend more time outdoors.

Why: I'm getting fat. I'm not enjoying the outdoors enough - this sunshine isn't going to last forever.

Rule 4: Bring your lunch - make it yourself.

Why: Buying lunch everyday is expensive and no doubt contributing to my complain above. I need to eat healthier and more cheaply - making my own lunch can help with both of these.

Rule 5: Stay in touch.

Why: I don't talk to my family and friends enough - I don't know what is going on in their lives. I need to make more of an effort to stay in the loop.

Rule 6: Be more creative. Decorate the house with homemade art projects; take an art class.

Why: I need an outlet.

Rule 7: Have more sex.

Why: I haven't been feeling very sexy lately and haven't wanted to have sex very much. Sex shouldn't be a shore. Find a way to spice it up.

Rule 8: Go on more adventures....alone?

Why: I'm way too dependent on other people in order to get out and do stuff. I've never been one to do things on my own, especially if it involves going somewhere new. I need to break this habit and stop letting a lack of company keep me from exploring new things and places.

Rule 9: Buy meaningfully.

Why: I spend too much money on stupid meaningless crap I'm just going to get rid of eventually. I need to make sure my purchases are purposeful and long lasting. Stop buying cheap trendy clothes because I like them at the moment, and buy things I'm going to use for a long time.

Rule 10: Stop whining.

Why: My life doesn't suck by any means - I've got it good and I need to appreciate that more.

I am completely clueless

I have absolutely no idea what the hell I'm doing.

I go to work everyday, I share a home with a man I believe I love, I graduated from a good school with a good degree, I pay my own bills and my taxes. I do it all and I do it all well. But I have absolutely no sense of direction or purpose. I find my job enjoyable - the people are nice and engaging, the the majority of the work is satisfying and they seem to like me. I love Chris and we're happy together. My life is generally good. But I have no idea where it's going.

I'm having trouble engaging on a deeper, intellectual level with my work. I wonder on an almost daily basis where my relationship is going. I miss my family, but have no desire to move closer to them. I gaze into other people's lives through the snippets available on Facebook and wonder at my own blandness. There are no new adventures in my photo albums, no status updates from exotic locales, no relationship status updates or new cities under my name. I haven't approved a new friend request in months. The world is moving and I am standing still, going through the motions and the daily grind not quite understanding why.

I don't know if I'm cut out for this office stuff. I feel like my mind is melting, turning to jelly inside my skull. Sometimes, I just stare at my computer screen. My eyes get lost in it and 15 minutes will do by with my mind having gone completely blank, just staring into all those pixels of color, thinking of absolutely nothing. And it's not like the "meditative, clear your mind" kind of nothing, it's the "my brain has gone into standby mode" kind of nothing.

The problem is, I don't really know what I am cut out for and I'm not exactly in the position to relinquish my one chance of income to find out.

How the hell did I get here?.....More importantly, what the fuck am I going to do about it?

New job, new beginnings

I was only unemployed for about six weeks, but I completely forgot how much working takes out of you....both in time and energy. I am enjoying the new job though - the people have been very welcoming and the company itself is great. Sometimes I do get a little bored. It's hard to not feel like the work I'm doing is below my education level - I mean I didn't have to go to college to know how to answer the phone and walk to rite-aid to buy half & half for the break room. It can be frustrating, but I keep trying to tell myself that this all part of the process of learning about the company and moving my way up in its ranks.

I've learned that quite a few of the people that were once in my position have moved on to be project associates or into HR. I think I would like either - I really like the people in HR and the idea of helping to facilitate an enjoyable work environment. I also like the project associate position, because it's working hands on with their programs - so it could be anything from rebate programs, to lighting, to residential buildings. I just have to be patient and work hard and try to learn as much as I can.

Besides work things have been going well - Chris and I have been doing pretty great. There are still a few bumps in the road every now and then, but overall I can't complain. We make a good team. We spent Thanksgiving with his family at their cabin in Washington. It was really nice. His family is extremely welcoming to me and I enjoy spending time with them. There was even some joking about me being their FDL - future daughter in law. I can't say it doesn't sound nice. Despite my best efforts, marriage is a thought that has been entering my mind a lot lately. I don't really know why, but it keeps coming up. I think it's because I'm not entirely sure if Chris wants to marry me. I mean, we're happy together and everything is great, but I just feel anxiety about the long term and where he stands on that. For the time being, I'm trying to just push it out of mind and enjoy the way things are - we both have good jobs, a nice place to live and plenty of opportunities. It's time to just smell the roses for a while.

Weekend in CV

Chris took Friday off, so we spent most of the weekend in Corvallis cleaning out his old room. His parents are moving out of their home in Corvallis and retiring to their Cabin on the Kitsap Peninsula. His childhood bedroom has basically functioned as a storage unit since he left home to go to OSU, so it was (and still kind of is) just packed with stuff. It's kind of amazing how many things he has accumulated over the years.

It's interesting too spending so much time with his parents, especially his mom, Sallie. Sometimes I feel like I'm already their daughter-in-law, even though Chris and I have only discussed marriage in the vaguest of terms. I've been included in their holiday email string, the Christmas gift exchange and the Thanksgiving dinner plans. It's just kind of weird, I'm not really used to it. I think it makes me miss my own family too, we used to be like that, getting together for all of the holidays. Now that everyone is in a different place it's hard to organize visits. I can't go to just one city and see everyone, I have to schedule three different visits, and they are all so far away I can only see them for a couple days each if I'm lucky. I do wish they were a little closer sometimes.

A Downer and then an Upper

So yesterday was my second interview at Ecos. It was with Barbara, the newly hired Executive Assistant to the COO who will be my supervisor, and Daniel (I think that was his name, it may have been David). It was a difficult interview - the questions were pretty challenging, mostly because many of them were situational and rather vague. I left the interview feeling pretty down about my performance, I didn't feel I was being very articulate and was afraid I had just screwed myself out of a job.

However, this morning brought some fantastic news. Kia called and offered me the position. I was and am so incredibly excited! My first day is next Wednesday. They offered me $13.50 an hour with a comprehensive benefits package (that I don't have to pay into!). I will be getting full medical, dental, vision, life and disability insurance after 30 days. Plus a 401K after 90 days and they have an incentive program. It's perfect.

I really thought this was not going to happen, but it is and I am so incredibly happy! This is a whole new chapter in my life. I feel like things are finally starting to come together. I'm finally with the person I love, in a city I feel at home in, starting job at a growing company doing something meaningful in the world. Life is good :)