I have absolutely no idea what the hell I'm doing.
I go to work everyday, I share a home with a man I believe I love, I graduated from a good school with a good degree, I pay my own bills and my taxes. I do it all and I do it all well. But I have absolutely no sense of direction or purpose. I find my job enjoyable - the people are nice and engaging, the the majority of the work is satisfying and they seem to like me. I love Chris and we're happy together. My life is generally good. But I have no idea where it's going.
I'm having trouble engaging on a deeper, intellectual level with my work. I wonder on an almost daily basis where my relationship is going. I miss my family, but have no desire to move closer to them. I gaze into other people's lives through the snippets available on Facebook and wonder at my own blandness. There are no new adventures in my photo albums, no status updates from exotic locales, no relationship status updates or new cities under my name. I haven't approved a new friend request in months. The world is moving and I am standing still, going through the motions and the daily grind not quite understanding why.
I don't know if I'm cut out for this office stuff. I feel like my mind is melting, turning to jelly inside my skull. Sometimes, I just stare at my computer screen. My eyes get lost in it and 15 minutes will do by with my mind having gone completely blank, just staring into all those pixels of color, thinking of absolutely nothing. And it's not like the "meditative, clear your mind" kind of nothing, it's the "my brain has gone into standby mode" kind of nothing.
The problem is, I don't really know what I am cut out for and I'm not exactly in the position to relinquish my one chance of income to find out.
How the hell did I get here?.....More importantly, what the fuck am I going to do about it?
