Oregon Revisted

I spent Memorial Day weekend in Oregon - Portland first, a short stopover in Corvallis, and a couple days in Eugene. The drive down was pretty miserable - took me two and a half hours to get as far as Olympia! Once I got to Portland, Chris and I headed to Eugene. We ended up staying the night at his parents' house in Corvallis. The next day we left for Eugene and arrived at Fern Ridge a little before noon for their annual Memorial Day Regatta. The wind didn't cooperate for most of the weekend, but it was great to be back at the lake surrounded by a bunch of sailors. Seeing Sophie, Cara and Jeannette was the best part - I miss those girls!

The whole trip made me realize how much I miss Oregon. I don't know how to explain the difference exactly, but Oregon just has something special about it. The people are amazingly friendly, it's super laid back and it is absolutely the most beautiful place on earth. I'm elated to be moving back there in the fall and this trip helped me to confirm that Oregon is the place I truly belong. It feels like home and that feeling is so comforting - I can't wait to go back.

Unfortunately, though Memorial Day Weekend must come to end and now I find myself back in Seattle. The sun is out for the first time in a week or so and I'm starting to see hints of the summer to come. I hope it's a good one - filled with friends and sailing and sunshine.

A Lesson in Confrontation

A significant part of my job involves dealing with a variety of clients with particular ideas of how they want their organization represented and the role me and my company play in that representation.

Today I dealt with one of our more particular clients - a member of the WCOG board of directors. He was upset with my handling of a potential new board member nomination, namely that I had contacted the nominee before he did (part of his specific board responsibilities). The action was a result of some misunderstanding and miscommunication amongst multiple board members and staff, but nonetheless I was the one to bare the brunt of this particular board member's dissatisfaction.

The phone call consisted largely of me trying to explain what had happened and why I took the action I did, and the board member accusing me of abusing my position, taking advantage of WCOG, misusing the organization's funds and creating an awkward and uncomfortable situation for himself (presumably because he would be making contact with the candidate after I did). His tone was accusatory and confrontational and he repeatedly tried to cast my actions in a malicious light, even though they were perfectly innocent and meant to ease the transition for the candidate and the board, not complicate it.

Anyway, the part of the whole situation I found the most frustrating was that he was right. He had a perfectly good point - according to the committee descriptions and board policy he was the one who should have contacted the candidate first...however, his entire point became lost in the confrontation. He started the conversation on the offensive, and despite my best efforts, I was immediately put in a defensive position. The phone call created more problems and necessitated further communication with the board and discussion of procedures - rather than solving the issue in a rational and calm manner, the confrontation only led to more confrontation and misunderstanding, and thus more of my admin time.

It made me realize the importance of controlling your emotions - even when you're angry or feel slighted. Approaching someone in such a confrontational manner, while maybe allowing you to vent and feel a little better immediately after, never produces the result you ultimately desire - resolution. While part of me wishes I had told him to take a hike, the other side of me sees that by doing so I would have fulfilled his description of me as a manipulative employee, when in reality I work extremely hard every day to make sure that my clients get the best value for their money, that I represent them in a professional manner and that I do my best to promote their message and organization.

This, I think, is the most important thing I've learned at my job - I mean, I think I "knew" it before, but now I know how to actively employ it. And that lesson is basically that sometimes, despite what you really feel or believe, you have to strive to find the middle ground, to have the foresight to see what is ultimately going to be best for you, your company and your client, not your ego or temper. It's a tough lesson, but a worthwhile one that the last year has made me quite familiar with.

Roots

A Lesson in Spontaneity

So I know my last post was a little down on the whole long-distance relationship thing, but as usual, I was little too quick to judge the outcome of my weekend.

Saturday started out with a long list of errands that thankfully was finished by the afternoon. I was on my way home when Chris called, we were both complaining about how we had nothing to do that evening and trying to brainstorm ways to stave off the boredom, when he jokingly suggested "Let's meet half way." Halfway between Portland and Seattle that is. Well of course! Why hadn't we thought of this before? And so it was decided - two hours later we met up in Centralia, WA.

We spent less than 24 hrs together, but it was better than nothing and the excitement of being in a new place neither one of us had explored (though driven by countless times) made for a nice little adventure. We wandered around the town, got dinner, and enjoyed ourselves. No pressure, no plans. It was like a mini vacation that refreshed and revived us for the week ahead. The best part was the spontaneity of it - it's something neither one of us expected to happen, a pleasant surprise we gave each other.

We've decided to have more weekend trips like this, and while that may remove some of the spontaneity from the event, I like that we're maintaining the sense of adventure and exploration. He may be in Portland and I may be in Seattle, but that doesn't mean we have to stick to these places. So much of our world has been relegated to either one or the other, his place or mine, that I think it becomes easy to forget the rest of the world. This weekend served as a reminder that there is so much more, even if it's just a highway town like Centralia.

I-5

This photo was taken from a train I was riding in on the way to Seattle over the summer. Since Chris moved to Portland so much of my time has been spent driving to and from Seattle. I've developed a rather strong love-hate relationship with I-5. On one hand it's a source of connection and reunion, on the other it's a traffic-jammed obstacle between me and the place I want to be.

Normally, I would be traveling down that highway right now, probably at about Olympia or Lacey, just about to hit the road construction that will prove a frustration for the rest of the summer. I decided to take a weekend off from traveling though - I haven't spent a weekend home in roughly 6 weeks (for a variety of reasons). I'm hoping to catch up on all the things I've been putting off - cleaning, laundry, doctor's appointments and a much needed tire rotation. Regardless of that length of the task list I've made for myself this weekend, I found myself day dreaming about driving down I-5 while at work today. I imagined myself rushing home, packing my things and just going. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to be home, I wanted to be in Portland and I was willing to drop anything to do it. While obviously I didn't follow that impulse, I'll probably spend the weekend thinking about what it would have been like if I had.

I think that is the hardest part about being in a long-distance relationship - needing and wanting to be in two places at once. It's like you have two separate lives - there's Seattle Jess and then there's Portland Jess. Each one has different priorities, different responsibilities, different habits and routines. It's weird - I feel sort of displaced. Neither place really feels like home, neither place feels complete. When I'm with Chris I'm happy, whole, but I know it's only a temporary reprieve, too-soon ended by the beginning of another work week. But Seattle isn't much better...my body is here, but my mind is elsewhere. I'm never really in one place. That's what I want most right now I think - to feel grounded, to feel at home, complete and whole, not desiring to be somewhere else but happy to be where I am.

A Different Approach

So for the last couple years my goal has to been to become a teacher - to get my credentials, my masters and teach high school English. I like the idea of sharing my love of literature and writing with kids who probably could care less about Virginia Woolf and Jane Austen. I've always thought my passion for the subject would help me through that difficulty - would help me connect with some students who did care and just didn't know it yet.

That's why I applied to Teach for America my senior year. I got through to the final interview and then I got a rejection letter. I was disappointed. I had spent so much time preparing for the application and interview, and writing my senior thesis at the same time, that I didn't really prepare an adequate Plan B. It was too late to apply to most grad school programs and to be honest I was unmotivated to apply to the ones still accepting. I wanted to enjoy my last few months as a college student, not spend it fighting for approval from some anonymous review board.

So I finished my thesis and I graduated and then I just kind of did the first thing that made sense. I moved to Seattle because I knew a lot of people there, I could move in with my boyfriend and spend the summer exploring a new city, sailing and spending time with friends. I found a job one week after moving to Seattle and started it a week later. It's a great job, with a great employer and awesome coworkers. I work right on the sound, literally steps from the beach, in a laid back, small office. I get paid decently and have benefits. It's a lot then most people my age can say, especially in this economic climate. I think I've done pretty well for myself considering the circumstances.

However, I wasn't really and I'm still not satisfied. Granted some of this dissatisfaction stems from the fact that my boyfriend and I transitioned into a long-distance relationship when he took a job in Portland. But that's not the whole story. I took my job because I needed it, not because I wanted it. I love my employer and coworkers, but I feel like I'm stuck. The work isn't very challenging and there's not really room for any meaningful advancement at the moment. So I started making plans to move - I would move to Portland, find a job to live on and then go back to school to get my credentials and enter the career I have had my sites set on for the last few years - teaching.

Over the last week though as I've started planning for this career change and move, I've wondered if I'm making the right decision. Teachers are being laid off in droves - is it necessarily the best idea to take on the burden of student loans to become certified for a profession in which I may not be able to find viable employment? Maybe, like with Teach for America, it's not the right time. Maybe school isn't the answer right now. I've started to reevaluate what it means for me to be successful - does it mean getting an advanced degree before I'm 25? Does it mean beginning a life long career in my 20's? Is this really what I want to do for my entire life?

I'm not so sure right now. And that's what this blog post is ultimately about - not being sure. I've spend the last few years trying to attain a plan I'm not sure how to realize or if I even want to realize it. What I've come to see is that I like the idea of being a teacher, but I'm not so sure I'm ready to face the challenges that such a profession entails. I'm not ready to resign myself to one thing, because I don't think I know what that one thing really is it yet. That's why I've decided that when I move to Portland in September the job I'll be looking for won't be the first thing that comes across my path, it'll be something I want to do, something I enjoy doing, something that will help me grow and find that one thing that I do want to do for the rest of my life. Yes it's idealistic and probably naive to think that I'll just be able to pick whatever I want, but I think that is the only way that I'm really going to find work I enjoy and find meaningful, rather than work I just do for the paycheck. If I've learned anything over the last year it's that happiness isn't something that just happens to you, given and taken by fate's anonymous will, but it's something we create, it's something we build and mold with the choices we make and the people we love.

Reunion

For three years, I was on my college sailing team. It was the best part of college for me - I got to travel, compete in a physically and mentally challenging sport, and meet some of the most amazing people I know - people whose personalities are unforgettably unique and powerful in their eccentricity, kindness, intelligence, creativity and absolute, zealous appreciation for all life has to offer.

This past weekend we were reunited for PSU Gorge Invite at Cascade Locks, OR. The sailing was perfect - great wind, great weather and plenty of awesome races. For the first time in almost a year I forgot that I had graduated and entered the "adult" world. All that mattered was the water and the wind, pulling my sail in and hiking flat. I forgot about bills, and work, and the question that perpetually hangs over my head nowadays - "What are you doing with your life?"

Instead, I got to spend a weekend being completely enthralled with my surroundings - my friends, the water and an atmosphere of positivity and camaraderie I truly miss. I remembered what it's like to feel exhilarated and calm at the same time as we planed downwind and the feeling of anticipation at the start line, rushing into something new and unknown.

These feelings made me realize that this is exactly what I need to find in this new life I'm making for myself. My days of college sailing are over, only to be revisited once a year, but I have plenty of life ahead of me to enjoy and I need to make sure that I make the most of it.

I ended the weekend with a renewed sense of what I want in this world - a reminder of how life should feel. My goal now is to make it a reality. Let the planning begin.

The First

I suppose I should probably explain why I started this thing.

Mostly, I just wanted a venue to get my thoughts out there. I thought this would be a good place to record the interesting (and somewhat uninteresting) things that happen to me, any thought provoking articles I come across, and photos from the events, places and people that comprise my life. Hopefully, this will help me record life's expected and unexpected twists and turns as I figure out my place in this great big world.

Here's to a successful blog!