Well, I'm still jobless. No prospects so far. I've applied for a total of twelve jobs in the last two weeks. Some of them having closing deadlines happening this week, so hopefully I will begin hearing from some people during the next couple weeks. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.
It's frustrating because I've heard nothing. It's scary. What if weeks go by and I still hear nothing?
It's hard for me to sleep at night. I go to bed with Chris lying next to me and I just can't sleep. My eyes keeping opening and I find myself staring at the window, watching the light filter through the blinds from the parking lot outside. I'm thinking about everything and nothing - my dwindling bank account, the decision I made to leave my job and my life in Seattle to come to Portland and change everything, whether or not I'll get hired, if this whole thing is just a big sick joke.
I'm scared mostly I think. I try and act confident, sure I will find something, but inside I'm terrified. What if I'm not good enough and I don't stand out and no one wants me? I feel so vulnerable, like I can try all I want, submit tens, hundreds of applications, but ultimately it's out of my hands. Someone else has to pick me, someone else has to say that I'm the one.
I just want a job. I just want to be productive and do something, be something. I don't want to sit around wondering what's going to happen to me. I really, really hate this.
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